OF BLONDE MONKEYS AND SKANKS
by Tribeca
Summary: The scenes they didn't show us from the third episode of season six. Because it takes a warped mind to be able to see them. So here you go, from my warped mind to yours.


**A/N: Season 6, episode 3…one word: Blah.**

**Here's what really happened. **

**(Warning: tiny spoiler for next week, but nothing you probably don't already know.)**

**Light housekeeping: I don't own any part of The Big Bang Theory. Too bad.**

OF BLONDE MONKEYS AND SKANKS

"For the record," Sheldon said as he pushed the door closed behind him, "I do not think of you as a blonde monkey. Not now. Not ever."

"Oh really?" she smiled.

He reached for her, pulling her body flush against his.

"Really," he said, lowering his eager mouth to hers.

They kissed until he could no longer breathe and they had no choice but to come up for air. This was still new to him…this kissing Penny…and he was working on perfecting his oxygen intake while kissing her. He hated having to stop just to breathe.

But then again, Penny had been taking his breath away since the day he met her.

She smoothed her hands across his chest, stopping when they reached the waistband of his pants. She hooked her fingers behind his belt and pulled him towards the sofa.

"Sit," she laughed, pushing him onto the blue couch.

He fell back into the cushions with a soft thud and she quickly planted herself on his lap, straddling his lean narrow thighs.

She touched her forehead to his and told him that they really shouldn't be doing this.

He smiled and then arched his eyebrows high and said, "But I'm here for a legitimate reason. I came to ask if you were serious over there. I can't imagine that you would care to systemize my childhood works. Seeing as how it involves science and organization, two things you don't exactly enjoy."

"Oh but Moon Pie," she giggled, "I do enjoy the thought of getting to know little Shelly Bean. That was the real reason I offered. And I like science stuff…when it's science stuff with you."

"You can do all of that without having to work for me. Besides, it's been duly noted that I'm not the most pleasant of bosses."

"So I've heard. Raj still has nightmares of working with, I mean _for_ you. Besides, the real truth is…well, I thought if I did it it would give us an excuse to spend more time together. You know, without anyone asking any questions."

"That's dangerous territory Penny," he told her.

"I know. I don't have time to do it anyway. I have several auditions coming up that I need to prepare for."

"So what about the blonde monkey comment?"

"I don't know. It was the first thing that popped in my mind and I just went with it."

"I see. Well don't ever think that way again, okay? You are better than that," he said, reaching for a handful of the blonde strands in question. He pulled his head back and studied her for a moment, then leaned forward and buried his face in the soft flesh of her neck. His lips grazed across her skin and she dropped her head back to allow him further access.

"So good," she mumbled. Her hands slipped behind his neck and her fingers brushed through his hair.

"I believe," he whispered as he dropped kisses along her jaw line, "that you are much more enjoyable than an entire barrel of blonde monkeys Penny."

xxxx

They stood undetected in the doorway to the cafeteria as they observed their subjects.

It came as no surprise to either of them that Leonard and Alex, Sheldon's new assistant, were engaged in a borderline flirtatious conversation. Penny knew if she confronted him he would swear he was just being nice. He would insist he wasn't flirting at all.

"You were right. I don't have to worry," Amy deadpanned, "That skank is your problem."

A part of Penny wished that Alex would just take Leonard off her hands. She had listened to Amy all the way back to the apartment trying to convince her of how she felt about Leonard. She was pretty damn tired of Amy and everyone else trying to sell her on the idea of her being in love with Leonard. Since when did love need to be sold?

xxxx

She tapped softly on his bedroom door and prayed to whichever deity that happened to be listening that Leonard would not wake up and hear her midnight visit with Sheldon. She turned the doorknob without waiting for an invitation to enter. Besides, they both knew she would go in with or without his permission.

"Good evening Penny," he said, sitting up and scooting back to rest against the headboard of his bed. He flung the covers back and she crawled in beside him. They both knew she'd end up there anyway so he reasoned that there was no need to prolong the inevitable.

"So tell me about Doctor Skank."

"What? I don't understand."

She sighed and confessed, "Amy and I saw you guys at lunch today. We saw your new assistant. She's very pretty."

"Ah, I see," he stretched back down into the bed and turned on his side, propping on his elbow. She did the same and they lay in the dark face to face.

"So what's up with that?"

"Well, first, she's not a doctor, she's a grad student. And second, I've seen no evidence which would indicate that she is a skank. Although I'm not entirely sure what exactly that means."

She laughed, "Two words, Sheldon. Urban Dictionary, look it up."

"That's five words."

She reached to poke him in his chest with an extended finger but he caught her by the wrist and stopped her.

"You never answered my question," she smirked at him.

"I am actually conducting an experiment if you must know. I'm testing a theory."

"What?"

"Well, what is the one thing that never fails to gain the attention of Leonard Hofstadter?"

"Um, that's easy. A beautiful woman who actually speaks to him."

"Exactly."

"So…you hired this beautiful assistant for Leonard to look at?"

"I hypothesized that if he had enough contact with said woman, if his history is a predictor of future behavior, it won't be long before he's hot on her trail."

"Thus," she did her best Sheldon imitation, "allowing me to be free of him."

"Correct. However, my theory may have been flawed. I do not believe I will achieve the desired results."

"Why?"

"Well," his voice took a serious tone, "I failed to factor in one of the most important variables."

"What's that?"

"Leonard's feelings for you. He believes he loves you. And if the most beautiful woman in the universe is already his girlfriend, why should he look at another?"

She sat up and processed what he said.

"I think there's a compliment from you in there somewhere."

He pushed up and scooted closer to her and whispered, "You, Penny. You are the most beautiful woman in the universe. Why should I expect Leonard to look at another? They all pale in comparison to you."

She blushed and reached to stroke his cheek, exhaling slowly as she pressed her face against the freckled skin of his long neck.

"We can't be together until we are sure Amy and Leonard are going to be okay can we?"

"That is correct. As I told you last week, we can't hurt our friends."

"Agreed. But this is getting harder. I want to be with you Sheldon. And tell me, how am I supposed to keep my hands off of you next week when we have couples game night?"

"I am sure it will be difficult for you as I am quiet desirable."

She stifled a laugh and rolled her eyes, "Yes you are. I'd be lucky to land a fella like you."

xxxx

**A/N: Next week: Couples game night. Good Lord. **


End file.
